CHAPTER I
FIRST OF CONVERSION
Tarry thou not to our Lord to be turned,
nor put it off from day to day; for ofttimes the cruelty of death ravishes the
wretched, and bitterness of pains suddenly devours them that now irk to be
turned. It may not be numbered by us how many of the worldly wicked presumption
has beguiled.
Truly it is a great sin to trust in God's mercy
and not cease from sin, trowing God's mercy be so mickle that He will not give
righteous pain to sinners. `Work ye therefore whiles it is day, the night truly
comes in which no man may work.' `Light or day' he calls this life, in which we
ought never to cease from good working, knowing that death to us is sicker, the
hour of death truly unsicker. `The night' he calls death, in the which our
members are bound, and wits put by, and we may not now work any healthful
thing, but shall receive joy or tormentry according to our works. In a point we
live, yea less than a point; for if we would liken all our life to the life
everlasting, it is nought.
Therefore how waste we our life in love of
vanity, not without grievous damnation; and all day negligent, without
repenting, we stand idle. Lord, therefore turn us and we shall be turned; heal
us and we shall be healed. Many truly are not healed, but their wounds rot and
fester; for today turned to God, tomorrow are turned from Him; today doing
penance, tomorrow turning to their ill. Of such it is said: we have cured
Babylon and it is not healed, for to Christ it is not truly turned.
What is turning to God but turning from the world
and from sin; from the fiend and from the flesh? What is turning from God but
turning from unchangeable good to changeable good; to the liking beauty of
creatures; to the works of the fiend; to lust of the flesh and the world? Not
with going of feet are we turned to God, but with the change of our desires and
manners.
Turning to God is also done whiles we direct the
sharpness of our minds to Him, and evermore think of His counsel and His
commandments, that they may be fulfilled by us; and wherever we be, sitting or
standing, the dread of God pass not from our hearts. I speak not of dread that
has pain, but that that is in charity, with which we give reverence to the
presence of so great a Majesty, and alway we dread that we offend not in any
little thing. Soothly, thus disposed, to God we are truly turned because we are
turned from the world.
To be turned from the world is naught else but to
put aback all lust, and to suffer the bitterness of this world gladly for God;
and to forget all idle occupations and worldly errands, in so mickle that our
soul, wholly turned to God, dies pithily to all things loved or sought in the
world. Therefore being given to heavenly desires they have God evermore before
their eyes, as if they should unwearily behold Him, as the holy prophet bears
witness: Providebam Dominum in conspectu meo semper, that is to say `In
my sight I saw our Lord evermore before me.' Not only the space of an hour; as
do they that set all fair or lovely earthly things before the eyes of their
hearts, which they behold and in which they delight and desire for love to
rest. And after the prophet says: Oculi mei semper ad Dominum; quoniam ipse
evellet de laqueo pedes meos, that is: `Mine eyes evermore are to our Lord,
for he shall deliver my feet from the snare.' By this is shewed that except our
inward eyes to Christ unwearily be raised we may not escape the snares of
temptation. And there are many lettings so that the eyes of our heart may not
be fixed on God; of which we put some: abundance of riches; flattering of
women; the fairness and beauty of youth. This is the threefold rope that
scarcely may be broken; and yet it behoves to be broken and despised that
Christ may be loved.
Truly he that desires to love Christ truly, not
only without heaviness but with a joy unmeasured he casts away all things that
may let him. And in this case he spares neither father nor mother, nor himself;
he receives no man's cheer; he does violence to all his letters; and he breaks
through all obstacles. Whatever he can do seems little to him so that he may
love God. He flees from vices as a brainless man and looks not to worldly
solace, but certainly and wholly directed to God, he has nearly forgotten his
sensuality. He is gathered all inward and all lifted up into Christ, so that
when he seems to men as if heavy, he is wonderfully glad.
But there are many that say they will turn to
God, but they can not yet, they say, for they are holden back by this
occupation or other; whose cold mind sorrowingly we reprove. For withouten
doubt and they were touched with the least spark of Christ's love, anon with
all busyness they would seek which way they might come to God's service, and in
seeking they would not cease until they had found.
Ofttimes they feign excuses, which the rather
accuses them more. Riches forsooth withdraws many, and the flattering of women
beguiles them; and they that have long done well sometimes are drowned, by
them, in the worst dykes. For fairness is soon loved; and when it feels itself
loved, it is lightly cherished; and the chosen one is cast down, and after
turning or conversion, he is made worse than he was before. Then his name is
blackened, and he that before was worthy, now is despised of all men and hated
of all.
I saw a man truly of whom they said that he
chastised his body with marvellous sharpness for fifteen years, and afterwards
he lapsed into sin with his servant's wife, nor might he be parted from her
until his death. In his dying truly they said that he cursed the priests that
came to him, and refused to receive the sacraments.
Therefore the newly turned ought for to flee the
occasion of sinning; and with their will avoid words, deeds, and sights
stirring to ill. The more unlawful a thing is, the more it is to be
forsaken.
The feind also strongly upbraids against them
which he sees turned from him and turned to God, and ceases not to kindle
fleshly and worldly desires. He brings to mind lusts done before, and the
desolation of the contrite; and unprofitable desires that were slaked before
stir themselves. Among these it behoves the penitent manfully to use himself,
and to take ghostly armour to gainstand the devil and all his suggestions; and
to slake fleshly desires and ever to desire God's love; and to go not from Him,
despising the world: of the which now we will speak.